Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If only
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human