“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Robin: Close enough
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*starts throwing a fit*
Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.
Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off