@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

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@ilovepie84

“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.

@Gupton68

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@e4moji

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

@WheelTod

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off