Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?