ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Golf would be better with landmines.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.