@davidgrossTV

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

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@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@AnOrangeSNES

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS