My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS