ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: