@MelvinofYork

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

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@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@AnExocticBeach

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@omerwahaj

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@vladchoc

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.