Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man