me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.