Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after