ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?