Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?