My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I DON’T OVERREACT
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Lol Tomb Raider.
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.