Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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Whisper out to librarians!
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
SCARY COSTUME
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
A family that plays together cheats.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?