When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
North and South
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there