Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The French cow says MEUX…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.