@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

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@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@peetiesays

Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.

@CatsForDinnerz

Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.

@NoorShamma

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

@UncleDuke1969

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

@murrman5

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.