@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

You Might Also Like

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@AimeeHelene1

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@joejwest

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@EyeSeeYou619

Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”

@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”