What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[judging dog show]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[Pizza falls on the ground]
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.
“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”