Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-