Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me My dog
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.