@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

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@drwgmawr

Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@sonictyrant

[Emergency Room]

Me: *dying on table*

Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

@bridger_w

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

@Dawn_M_

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

@Bahstonlady

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

@thatstings

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize