Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My insurance agent just told me that Iâm âhigh riskâ to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My 4-year-oldâs questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. đ€Șđ
bet the third joker movie will just be called âjok3râ
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My youngest has confused âveganâ with âcannibalâ and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
FeyoncĂ©âŠ
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand