Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*

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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left


Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.


I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House



Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.



dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh


I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.


Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.


Dad:I don’t trust those trees…..
Son: Why? What do you mean?
Dad: They seem kind of shady


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.