REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*