@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

- @AnitaHelmet

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@Jake_Vig

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

@SCbchbum

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

@ehchino

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

@Brampersandon_

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

@timdonakowski

Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

@Home_Halfway

DRINKING AT 25: Hell yeah let’s go out all night and go straight to work

DRINKING AT 35: Dear diary, I had a beer last month. I’ve had a hangover for two fortnight. I fear this is the end

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.