@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

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@amydillon

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

@RodLacroix

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@ArfMeasures

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@PeterKlesken

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.