My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this