[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You Might Also Like
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
hello 911? yes do you think i’m pretty
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Condoms prevent minivans.