Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
my professor scared me for a second
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.