Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
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I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: