Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.