Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

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God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off


Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast


just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.


My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes


Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED


I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.