Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Yup.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My life in a nutshell