why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub
– may contain lava?
After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.