@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

You Might Also Like

@2Saddington

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@juliussharpe

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

@Brampersandon_

[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.

@siddharth3

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@YoungNobler

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@Abusitron

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.