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@chuuew

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

@kumailn

Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”

@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@MidlifeOpportu1

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

@novicefather

“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@nocturnology

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.