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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair


Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”


In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.


[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”


Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.


“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.


If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.


Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.


Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.