Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling