Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross
*Makes sex noises getting into clean bedding*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
this is the best interaction on twitter
ME: So, was I a good person on earth?
GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding
GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing
ME: Yeah, that’s bad
GOD: And not even just to dance songs either
ME: Okay I get it
GOD: You barely got in here
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you