Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Finally, an explanation.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…