@Kevaclysm

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

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@junejuly12

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

@meganamram

I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross

@TheNYAMProject

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

@Home_Halfway

ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

@TweetsByKaylee

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you