Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?