My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*