Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[first day as a zoo tour guide]
kid: do giraffes eat clouds
me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.