Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Need this in my life lol
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.