Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.