@Home_Halfway

ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you

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@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@copymama

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

@TabooBooSF

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

@RobbyActually

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

@murrman5

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@_Pandy

seven swans to rule them all,
six geese to find them,
five gold rings to bring them all,
and in the pear tree bind them