Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
this is the news I live for
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*