Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Employees must applaud the planets.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.