Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Oceanography is all about current events
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent