Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician