Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
You wish you had this many chins.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”