I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.