@SirEviscerate

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

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@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

@Metalligretch

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

@TheBoydP

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

@Julian_Deane

My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.

@VenisVal

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

@ImLeslieChow

Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.