ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car


Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.


“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently


My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.


My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.