@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

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@ilysmooky

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

@JiminyKicksIt

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

@illTortuga

Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@Staggfilms

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@1_swarthy_dude

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.