ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?