@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

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@Transsomething

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@stevevsninjas

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@MensHumor

Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

@Kids_kubed

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@threetimedaddy

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

@AmericanGent69

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.