Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days