Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”