@golubeerji

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

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@SeanEmeny

I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

@sageboggs

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring