Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

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I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.


My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁


How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”


Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*


My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring