ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Actually cracking up @ this
Good morning
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
the council will decide your fate
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.