ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Meat Cute
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.