@ArfMeasures
DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side
ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth
@truegritrumble
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You Might Also Like
@ArfMeasures
@pezzamissed
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
@andrewnotsicko
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
@MumsieEsq
When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”
@JoyceCarolTotes
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
@GlennyRodge
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
@greg_vee
If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
@Reverend_Scott
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
@InternetHippo
Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog
@schumyxxx
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.