@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

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@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@andrewnotsicko

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

@MumsieEsq

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@GlennyRodge

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@InternetHippo

Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog