ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.


PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

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DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth


Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up


Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid


When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”


Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.


The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.


If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.


Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.


Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog