If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this