Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Vodka burrito was a success
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!