Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )