me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
😩😩😩
I needed a laugh this morning.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”