I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack