Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
You Might Also Like
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.