ME: im depressed

DOG: what’s depressed

ME: it’s when everything feels like shit

DOG: like hungry

ME: sorta, but it’s constant

DOG: like hungry

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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.


Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.



Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.


WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you


My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.


I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️


Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one


Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.


Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law