*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.