me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
oh you wanna fight?!
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare