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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.


Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine


[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great


my luck, when someone actually falls in love with me, they will only tell me so shouted in German


[grocery store]
me *hits back of wife’s leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok


“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”


The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?


The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.


I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.