A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?